How to (Re)Build a Future

Recently, I began collecting--and actually wearing--teeshirts like this, for the first time in almost forty years.  Aside from being intrigued by sayings that resonate with me, I found that displaying my affirmations openly is another way to push myself forward.  If people see me walking around like this, I feel responsible for actually living up to the words.  The last thing I want to feel--or be perceived of as--being full of crap.

Same goes for the necklace above.  I wore it for awhile while still in California, and then, when life got "too crazy" from 2012-2015, I put it away.  Now that I think about it, wearing it and invoking the message inscribed on it during that "crazy" time, would have made a lot of sense.  I could have derived a lot of comfort, and been more able to stand my ground when I was receiving lots of well-meaning but contradictory (and in some cases, harmful) advice.  I would have believed that I was, in the end, going to be okay.

While getting ready for my day this morning, I came across the necklace. Suddenly, the words spoke to me, and I put it on. And it's now going to be part of me, like the pewter cross my courageous grandmother left me.  

Takeaway:  items we wear can inspire us, and our inspiration can be reflected in our outward presentation to others.  I was at my doctor's office the other day, and she (very young and young-looking herself) kept repeating "how great" I was looking since my visit in May of 2015.  Besides getting my severe arthritis pain somewhat under control, I mentioned to her that I was now re-committed to Weight Watchers, and already feeling some difference.  By the way, to date, I'm down ten pounds, but I feel there's been more of a loss since this past Monday.  Less weight = less knee pain = more ability to go on walks and weekend outings.  One more way I feel confidence on the upswing.

Besides my day job as a therapist, and squeezing in the writing into precious blocks of time, I'm now trying to master social media and make it work for me.  When I had a private practice years ago, how naive I was!  Somehow, I thought posting in all the web's nooks and crannies was all anyone needed to do.  It was (I thought), the digital equivalent to writing ads on 3-by-5 cards,  running around town, tacking them on whatever community bulletin boards I could--and then praying for responses.  Now I see that the internet is the closest thing possible to a living organism, with all kinds of systems that need continuous tending to.  No wonder big corporate social media are departments all onto themselves.

Well, this fledging "corporation" (me), has to navigate social media on a DIY basis--so far it's on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram, and ello.co.  It's a work in progress, so please be patient with my neophyte efforts.  Catch you out there!

Brain Food

OK, first, another pound gone buh-bye.  When I got on the scale yesterday (I've designated Monday as my weekly weigh-in day), I was a little disappointed it wasn't more.  Then I realized that, as long as the number keeps decreasing, and I start actually feeling better, then I resolve to look at this weight-loss effort as a process, not some race.  And so it is -- my waistbands are not pinching now, and every pound gone is one I'm not lugging around anymore.

Anyway, my writing!  What can I say except that the creative pipeline is clogged somewhat.   I wouldn't call it a "block," because lots of ideas are swirling around in my brain, but I would say the energy is running low.  Usually, once I start clicking away at my laptop, the blog or article usually "writes itself."  So, I've taken some time off as a reset, and here are some of the random things I'm indulging in just to get the juices flowing again:

• Sunday getaways -- Last Sunday, I went to early Mass and then hit C-470 up to Golden.  My destination--Lookout Mountain, and the Buffalo Bill burial site and museum.  My timing was a little off; the whole region was beginning a heat spell, and by the time I headed home in the late afternoon, my car thermostat was registering 106.  I came prepared with sunscreen and water, though, and chalked up trudging up the steep hill to pay my respects to Mr. Cody as good exercise.  At the end of the day, the visit entitled me to log lots of Fit Points in my Weight Watchers app.  It also happened to be Father's Day, and I like the way Johnny Baker, Cody's "foster son" and longtime friend, was honored near the entrance of the museum, including for his role in getting this museum founded.  I wholeheartedly recommend this site to anyone, especially for those who are fellow history enthusiasts

          I've already mentioned my Leadville trip in the previous entry.  Next stop--Steamboat Springs.  I've checked out the Facebook page they have up dedicated to weekend rodeos, and so, I'm going, ASAP.  The point to all these trips is to finally, after a year of settling into Littleton, explore the places I have listed on my refrigerator.  Colorado is such a treasure-trove of history!  And the drives through the countryside plant wonderful, refreshing images in my brain.  Inspiration comes in so many forms, subtle and obvious.  I just want to open the sensory gates, and let it all in.

• NPR --  Part of the benefits of Colorado Public Radio is having access to quality programming, especially in this particularly divisive campaign year.  Besides being made aware of national and global issues, like the Venezuela crisis, there are also opportunities for exposure to arts that are not aired on regular networks.  I recommend that everyone go on YouTube and watch/listen to Yo-Yo Ma's Silk Road Ensemble--almost like musical diplomacy.  Also on CPR, I find Open Air's "new music" to be a welcome switch from mainstream pop stations.  As much as I've loved classical music for years, I'm finding that staying relevant to the upcoming generations is so important, especially through their music.
• Line dancing -- After nearly a year, when I stopped dancing to give my knee a rest, I'm ready to get back out there again.  Besides the fun exercise, I feel a need to socialize again on Saturday nights.
• Self-care -- there's nothing like the jacuzzi after work, these trips and partying to soothe the muscles and get a good night's sleep.  And, since sleep is an important restorative function, it can also benefit my creative functioning.

So, let the summer begin, and let's all enjoy!

Six Pounds Gone

Following up on my June 6 post, I'm down 6 pounds....a good start.  I do feel an ever-so-slight difference in my jeans, especially the waist band.  And so, victory begins.

In addition to being mindful of the Smart Points, I'm also logging as many Fit Points as I can, considering my schedule and my daily pain level with my arthritis.  I figure that a plan of as much walking as I can manage, followed by a cup of soothing herbal tea in the evening and a lovely warm bath or soak in my complex's jacuzzi to soothe the joints...that's the way to really treat myself.

Last Saturday night, I got really brave and went to a local dance studio, where I faced a big fear -- that of (gasp!) ballroom dancing.  Born to a generation that just got out on a dance floor and did a solo "whatever," learning the two-step and some confusing variations--that was an exercise in bravery!  Our teacher is a very sweet and patient lady, and she gave those of us (including me) who were struggling with the coordination of feet and steps, lots of kudos and told us to be patient with ourselves.

This Saturday, I'm going to try it again--this time to a salsa beat.  Our teacher assured us that this style will be simpler.  Certainly it will be more up-tempo, and more calories will get expended.  If only I could find a regular dance partner, not only to accompany me to this studio, but to practice with during the week so I can get really good,,,also someone who is aware I have issues with relaxing and following a lead.   Anyway, I want to just have a bit of fun, and not take this activity so seriously.   I even posted about this on my Yelp page.

Utilizing my love of travel and history, I got up even earlier than usual last Sunday, and drove up to Leadville.  It's one of the towns that has been on my radar since moving here last year, since it was an integral part of Colorado's formation into statehood.  I began by attending Mass at the landmark Annunciation Church, which has its own history, including being where Margaret (the "unsinkable Molly") Brown was married. This is where I really got a walking workout, especially along Harrison Avenue, taking in the Tabor Opera House tour, ducking down a few side streets to look at the Tabor House Museum, the "House of the Eye," and a sweet little antique shop named Sweet Betsy's From Pike.  And then (with the aid of my Weight Watchers app!), I enjoyed a sesame chicken sandwich, paired nicely with a Killian's Red at the Historic Silver Dollar Saloon (again, reviewed on my Yelp page).  Before heading home, I spent the last two hours at the National Mining Hall of Fame and Museum.  If only I had been here in the days when Son and I were taking regular tours of museums.  It's such an educational and inspiring place!  Front and center, right at the entrance, is a display of Rhodochrosite, the beautiful Colorado state mineral.

By the time I was finished with this part of my day, the Mining Museum was ready to close, and my knee was beginning to say, "I'm done for now."  So, I headed back home, and felt that it had been a great day on many levels.

Adult Conversation

Each of these posts is intended to serve to functions:  1)  to share with my fellow humans bits and pieces of my experience and 2) to spur discussion, debate, thoughts--whatever.

I'm going to be crafting this post carefully, since it involves my son, a fiercely private person when he is not pursuing his craft (entertainment-related).

When I'd been in Colorado about five months, Son called me, asking if I "really liked" my new state and hometown.  I answered swiftly and decidedly--yes, this is where I am, and where I will live out my days.  He then stated what I had already known for a long time:  he and Wife were "so done" with California--the cost of living, the pace, the climate, etc., etc., pretty much mirroring my own set of grievances  Son was only asking me because they were considering Colorado for the next phase of their lives.

In the days/weeks/months that followed, I was thrilled to lay eyes on Son again, giving him a thorough orientation to my hometown, my apartment complex, all that is My World.  This was a delicate balancing act--my being helpful while not being an Overbearing Mother.  We each have strong personalities, and so I kept my Consultant hat on, and my mouth shut as much as possible.

DMV stuff, setting up a mailbox, getting belongings unloaded--all pretty much tasks Son did, and I just butted out.  Things sometimes got testy when I again donned the Mom hat, and insisted that he needed to find a proper Colorado winter coat, gloves--and that a wear of sturdy Western boots would fare better than his shiny dress shoes--because I said so.  Never mind that there's no snow right now--Colorado weather has a mischievous habit of without-warning change.  And I got to say I told you so when it did snow several days later.  And it's a good thing that coat came with a hood.  So there!

Actually, because we have so few family members left anywhere, this relocation has drawn Son and I closer--I think.  We sometimes go for a day or two, or more, without seeing each other, but we've come to a mutual agreement that texting is a means of contact, without hesitation.  With our respective schedules, calls can be too intrusive.  To respect that boundary is important for our sanity, and the health of our mother-son relationship.  One time, after a brief (sixty-second) bickering session, Son looked down at me (he's way more than a foot taller than me) and said, "You know I love you, don't you?"  That remark stopped me cold--we are not from a demonstrative family--but it touched me deeply.  This, from a man who, as a kid and a teen, had uttered the frequent, heart-stabbing, typical, "YOU'RE THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD!"

A turnabout from all the years I told Son, "Don't touch that!" in regard to stuff in my home office -- I've seen Son's professional set-up.  There are three large monitors, a hard-drive unit, a camera, a professional-grade microphone and an enormous keyboard that blinks four different colors. And other gadgets that I haven't a clue what they're for.  Intimidating.  Kinda like Mission Control.  What went through my head was MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This."  Don't worry, I  won't.

Maybe we've both grown up.  Son drove, without any complaint, through blizzard conditions so we could celebrate Thanksgiving over a nice restaurant meal.  About two months later, he responded to my frantic distress call, came in, scooped me up, and transported me to the E.R. at 2 A.M., when my rheumatoid arthritis "locked up" my entire left leg. (Don't ask why the EMTs didn't transport me.)  Son is my go-to escort when I go to Costco and need muscle for those heavy/bulky goods, or assist for reaching items way.out.of.my.4-ft-11 reach. He voices concern when he thinks I'm working too much--or too late.  He's got my back--and I'm becoming okay with that.

Yes, Son, I do know you love me.

More Changes

I'm relieved to have made the commitment to get back on a healthier path (through Weight Watchers), and it has led me to some other decisions to live better:

• Yesterday, after considerable thought, I closed my account with one of the major TV cable companies.  They made two calls during the day to try to persuade me to stay, but I held my ground.  From now on, I will consciously choose my programming through Hulu and Netflix.  Aside from being more budget-friendly, being conscious of my recent habit of coming home, and "crashing" in front of the TV "to unwind" will help me consider other options -- like doing the "unwinding" with a walk in the open evening air.  AND -- not losing track of time, and getting to bed earlier.  The last two nights of more hours of relaxed sleep have already made a difference in my concentration and mood.
• When my online dating account expires in August, I'm no longer going this route for socializing and companionship.  I'm going back to being an old-fashioned gal, and meeting people in the real world, in real time.  I already have plenty of opportunities to have fun in such a friendly town as Littleton.  In my off-work time, I'm going to be proactive and go out without feeling I need to be invited to join the human race.
• As my weight drops, and my joints feel better, I'm going to look into ballroom dancing classes.  What better way to meet other people, have fun and burn more of those clingy excess calories?  Surely, MeetUps and Groupon can make it feasible and affordable.

I'm feeling excited about "revving up" again.  Stay tuned.

Dropping Ballast, and Revving Up Again

I'm going public on this, if, for no other reason, it will help me feel more accountable for my goal.

The media is chock-full of accounts of celebrities and public figures who struggle with their weight and physical fitness.  When they shed significant poundage, we cheer...and then we feel an almost sadistic glee when they fall back into the pit of overweight.

I'm going on record, for whomever cares to know, that I've rejoined Weight Watchers.  In 2005-2006, I was able to get rid of almost 50 pounds and keep it off.  When a person is 5'0" and tiny-framed, there's not much room for error...and midlife metabolism is unforgiving of too many late night stress eating and carb-oholic binges.  Still, I went to many, many meetings and did the online program, and it showed.

Then, the domino effect began in 2012...caring for my mom as she slid steadily into her dementia...my knee injury in 2013, back-to-back with the onset of severe rheumatoid arthritis...my brother's terminal illness...it was all such a whirlwind that I didn't stop to see what a toll it was taking on my psyche and body.

On this past Sunday, as part of the enrollment process, I sucked it up, took a breath, and stepped on my scale with fear and dread.

173.  Seeing that number really, really hurt.  But so do my feet...and my knees...and my pride.  I want to walk again, dance again, date again.

It's been the end of Day Two of my online program.  I've got the Weight Watcher app on my phone to keep track of what I eat.  This morning, I had a phone session with a coach who has kept 75 pounds off for about six years.  And I've got the little awards from my previous Weight Watchers program as a reminder that a do-over is possible, and that this time, I will be able to sustain my success.

Thanks for letting me share this.

A Democrat Again -- Reluctantly

Before typing up this post, I tried, without success, to get Google to pull up a link to an article that appeared in the Denver Post last Sunday (May 29, 2016) entitled, "Malaise hits both parties as voters look to Nov. 8."   It's on page 2A of the front section, so if you still have your hard copy lying around, take a look at it.  For those who lack this paper, I'll do a brief recap.

It's quite an interesting piece, based on a May 12-15 poll of 1,060 adults, describing the anticipatory moods of the respondents as ranging from "Frustrated" (70%) to "Proud" (13%), with "Interested," "Helpless," "Angry," "Hopeful," "Bored" and "Excited" falling in between.

Honestly, I can say that I feel most of the above each day, depending upon whatever media to which I've been exposed that day.  There's another word I used more often -- "concerned."  The article went on to say many voters are anticipating voting against a candidate rather than for someone.

When I moved to Colorado in May of 2015, I made going to the local DMV a priority -- to get my Colorado driver license, duly register my car and get the new plates and, while I was taking care of important business, registering to vote.  I'd given this matter considerable forethought, and told the clerk I wanted to go on record as "Unaffiliated."  The clerk reminded me that, in making this choice, I would be waiving my right to participate in the primary election.  Presently, only Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Massachusetts, Michigan and Minnesota afford unaffiliated voters this right.  I told the clerk I was fine with this.  And I was--until the Great American Political Three-Ring Circus went into full juggernaut mode.

From the start, I tuned into CNN for the debates.  For comic relief, I have enjoyed the barbed humor on late night talk shows, Stephen Colbert's series in particular.  Bumper stickers and article headlines such as "I'm Catholic & I Vote" or "I'm a Senior & I Vote" are encouraging to me.  This whole process is human drama to its highest--or lowest--degree.

Last week, I received a form letter from the Colorado Secretary of State, reminding me of the consequence of my earlier choice, and that I had a limited time to rethink my decision.  As a result, I did some quiet grumbling and rejoined the Democratic party.

In the 1972 emotionally-charged Nixon vs. McGovern election, I was ineligible to cast a ballot, since I didn't turn 18 until a month after it was all over.  During a trip home from college at the Thanksgiving break, I registered as a Republican.  My choice, at that time, was influenced by my entire family being vehement Republicans; to make any other choice would have been seen as unthinkable and un-American.  Within five years, my differentiation was reflected in my switch to the Democratic side. Ten years after that, I re-registered--as a Green Party member.

My brief Unaffiliated status came about as I got older and began chafing at accepting ready-made labels.  Politics, for me, had become more about underlying issues, rather than slogans or candidates attempting to represent huge demographics.  In my freshman college year, I relished calling myself "a RADICAL," because of the Vietnam War and the influence of my peer group.  My twenties saw me mellowing into "a liberal."  By the time I got into my fifties, I had trouble identifying with any  pre-packaged agenda, and realized that I could consider concepts like democratic and republican (deliberately lower-case here), while being open-minded and truer to myself.

Referring back to the Denver Post article, I'd like to suggest that a measure of "malaise" might be productive.  The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines malaise as a "slight or general feeling of not being healthy or happy," which seems to routinely happen when the post-election euphoria wears off.  Whoever "wins," let's focus on what needs to be accomplished and how we will support the president-elect's efforts to get the job done.  That will be a tribute to our human endeavor and our country.

Just a quick check in this AM

I've jumped into the delightful fray of Instagram this week....and continue to churn out ideas on Sixty and Me.

Tonight, I'm going to put up my profile and introductory stuff on ello.co and reddit.

But, it's now the AM, and my workaday world beckons....so, at about 8 PM Mountain Time, I'll going to rev up the Thoughts Machine, and let the ideas flow again.  A lot of women sew, others knit, cook, or whatever.  I like to weave tapestries of words.

Till then, have a great day....and short work week.